We all have this image in our heads of how our hikes and time in the outdoors will go.
Some imagine the kids pleasantly singing the Daniel Tiger song, “A hiking we will go”, as birds chirp in the trees. There are no fights, no tears, and certainly no complaining. Our children are being brave and happily trying new things.
Others may even imagine capturing that perfect sunset photo or expect our partner to have taken a photo or two of us with the kids.
Everyone has expectations about how their time will go. There are many different types of expectations we have; from how the kids will act to how our pictures will even turn out.
So when the kids have meltdowns like this
or our sunset photo looks like this
we can become disappointed.
It isn’t always the picturesque time that we had hoped for. We will inevitably become dissapointed when it does not go as we had hoped.
Why?
This is because of the psychological equation that if our reality is less than what we expected then our reality will equal disappointment (R<E, then R=D).
You can learn more about the research behind this by visiting University College London.
The basic premise of this is that our happiness in any given moment is shaped by what our expectations were for that moment. Better than expected? Happy! Less than expected? Disappointed.
I am sure you are saying to yourself, Oh OK Utah Mountain Mama, so you are telling me I should just lower my expectations so that I am never disappointed?
Absolutely not!
We should never lower our expectations. Instead we simply need to manage our expectations. That way the outcome can be happiness without settling for less.
There are 4 ways we manage our expectations:
1. Become aware of what our expectations are.
2. Make those expectations reasonable.
3. Speak our expectations to others.
4. Be willing and flexible to change our plans.
These four ways to manage our expectations have been taken from the PREP 8.0 curriculum. This is the curriculum I teach in a community healthy relationship class for couples. It was developed by PREP inc. You can also learn about expectations in relationships by reading the book, Fighting for your Marriage.
I have adapted the managing expectations concept from talking about healthy relationships for couples to applying them to our time in the outdoors with our family and children.
1. Become aware of your expectations
Often times, we aren’t even aware that we have expectations of how our experience outdoors with our children will go.
We have social media to thank for that. Expectations are subconsciously created based on what we see day in and day out. Constantly our Instagram stories and our Facebook feeds are filled with the best of what others are doing.
We see our professional photography friends posting a beautiful photo of a mountain blanketed in wildflowers. All see that influencer posed just right with her kids looking out over the landscape. Our friends highlight the one thing their child can do that is not typical for a child that age.
That’s just it- everyone on social media (including myself!) posts the absolute best of the best. Whether it took them a hundred takes to get the perfect one or not, they are only putting what they want you to see out there.
This is where some introspection needs to take place. We need to ask ourselves, how do I imagine this going? What are my expectations?
Ask yourself, where are these expectations coming from? We may not even be aware that we expect that Insta-perfect experience since it has become something we have been accustomed to seeing everyday.
2. Make your expectations reasonable
Once you are aware of what your expectations are then you should ask yourself, are my expectations reasonable? You can even rate them! Rate how reasonable you believe your expectations are on a scale from 1-10. One being completely unreasonable and ten being completely reasonable. Do not base your rating on what you think others would think is reasonable. Be honest with yourself.
You can decide the amount of reasonability by thinking about how your children do at home. Is it reasonable to expect that the kids won’t argue when they fight like cats and dogs at home? Is it reasonable to expect that there won’t be any temper tantrums when there are multiple tantrums a day at home?
If it happens at home then it will only be magnified in the mountains. Even when hiking and camping are familiar to your children, they are without some of the comforts of home. Such as sleeping on a hard ground instead of their soft bed or hearing strange and scary noises when they are used to hearing a sound machine at home. So normal outbreaks won’t just happen, but they will be amplified.
This is our 2.5 year old that LOVES to randomly lay down. She does this all the time at home, so it wasn’t surprising when she decided to just lay down in the middle of the trail!
Expect what you see at home and then some! I know the mountains are a magical place, but don’t think the kids will magically change. Just look at your expectations and adjust them to be reasonable. Expect that these things will happen and be prepared to deal with them.
What works for you to mitigate problems at home? Is there a way you can tweak your approach to better suite being in the mountains?
You can also read our 5 ways to help your kids along the trail post to give you some additional ideas.
3. Speak your expectations
Speaking to your children beforehand is critical to any outing going more smoothly. We called this pre-teaching when I worked at a residential treatment center.
Kids need to know what to expect, particularly if you are going to a new area or trying something new. If they aren’t surprised by anything then there will be less tantrums and complaints. Remember, just as you need to have expectations met in order to be happy, so do they. This is a good time to tell them if you have any realistic expectations of them. For example, if the trail is going to have some steeper drop offs tell them you expect them not to run.
When it comes to expectations surrounding our photos we can’t get mad at our partner for not taking any photos of us when we haven’t told them we want photos taken. They can’t just read our minds.
This would happen all the time for us. I would have in my head that I would get to the end of the trail and there would be a photo of my children and myself on the trail. I would get excited to get home and look at my husband’s photos to only be disappointed to see 1 or 2 photos of a “cool rock” he saw.
Not only do we need to tell them beforehand, but we also need to point out photo opportunities along the way.
4. Be willing to be flexible
Once you have understood what your expectations are, made them reasonable, and spoken them, then the last step is to be willing to modify things as you go.
Being dead set on pushing to the end of a hike when the kids are hangry is just going to create even hangrier kids. Going on a hike when the kids just need a nap is just going to make it a hike full of temper tantrums and meltdowns.
We may want to push to keep going, but if it truly is best for the kids to stop and eat lunch first then feed the kids. If the kids didn’t sleep well the night before and need a nap then opt for the nap and do the hike later. The kids will do a lot better when whatever the issue is becomes resolved.
It may mean you may not quite reach the end of the hike you are on. That’s OK! It isn’t a race to see who can do the most hikes. It isn’t always about reaching the destination. Sometimes the greatest part is the journey- just focusing on being outside with our children. The more we can make it a positive, meaningful experience the easier it will become.
Happy Trails
The happy trails can quickly turn to unhappy trails if what we thought was going to happen doesn’t actually happen. In short, our happy trails are happy when our expectations of how it will go are met. Therefore, the key is to manage our expectations.
We manage our expectations by becoming aware of them, making them reasonable, telling others what they can expect or what we expect of them, and by being flexible in changing what we do to meet our children’s needs.
Some of my most negative experiences have come when things didn’t turn out how I had envisioned them in my head. On the flip side, some of my most cherished memories have been when an experience camping or hiking had gone better than I had envisioned. Hence; why managing our expectations is so important.
May your happy trails be better than you expected!
